The Tug Of Two Loves: 1 The Inner Yearning For Love

The tug of two loves, as Kate had yet to discover, could be devastating. As it was, now newly married to Jim, she felt she had definitely filled her inner yearning for love.

“I'm late. Must go!” Jim looked at his watch, gulped down the last of his coffee and snatched up his briefcase. “Bye love, see you this evening.”

The almost casual way in which he kissed her, gave Kate a feeling of satisfaction, of being 'properly' married on this her first day as a 'real' wife, now that the honeymoon was over. Then, watching Jim retreating, his fair hair falling, as always, in unruly fashion over his eyes, her mood suddenly changed. Panic stricken, she reflected that she knew no one in this huge sprawling city, hundreds of miles away from the lush green countryside of home, and the warmth and affection of family. Flinging back the curtains in the flat, she saw Jim, briefly, smiling and waving at her as he endeavoured to negotiate the steady stream of traffic and drove away.

We've known one another for such a short time, she thought, but marriage had seemed such an exciting prospect when seen from the comfort of her parents' home. Longing for this moment as a teenager, she now felt that the arrogance of youth had swayed the wisdom of maturity. Faced with the reality, doubt and fear began to creep in. Was she up to this, given her young age? Would the love she and Jim had for one another be sufficient to carry them through?

Jim, she thought, was the most exciting man she had ever met, a doer of deeds, while she was only a dreamer of dreams. Universally popular, he had a natural enthusiasm for life, that communicated itself even to the dullest of people. She, meanwhile, jilted by another young man shortly before meeting Jim, had put up a veneer of hard sophistication to protect her wounded emotions. Naturally shy, she had found that with a few drinks inside her, she developed a certain confidence. Which was just as well given that Jim's way of life revolved around meeting friends in pubs.

“Isn't he just like me?” she said aloud, turning back to the room, and seating herself on a chair. “Do we all have a tendency towards this wearing of masks to conceal an identity we fear may be unacceptable to others? Or is it just me?”

Knowing she would have to go shopping for dinner that night – though where, she had no idea – Kate found herself in tears. She had thought that her yearning for love would be satisfied in marriage, but here she was, all alone, and for how long?

Do we all think we're a half in need of another half before we can know wholeness, she wondered, and rising from the chair, she picked Jim's shirt up from the floor, where he'd thrown it down, walked into the kitchen, and began to scrub the grimy collar with a nail brush and soap.

NEXT TIME: Unsustainable?