Readers' Letters - Recent archive

Dear Mel,

I’m a bit nervous about writing to you in case my partner finds out. We’re not exactly religious but he expects me to be exactly like that Vicar described – submitting to him in every way. When we’re out with friends he likes to take over and it’s true he’s very entertaining. People like him because he makes them laugh. But when we get home he gets really annoyed with me if someone has talked to me separately during the evening, or if he thinks I haven’t listened attentively to everything he’s said. It’s no good arguing with him, but if I say nothing he accuses me of sulking.

I suppose I’m naturally a bit quiet, but when I was at college I really enjoyed discussing things with a group of friends. Now I never get the chance. He doesn’t like me to go out on my own – says he worries about me. And if I do say anything when we’re out together he sort of puts me down but in a way you wouldn’t see as a put down as an outsider.

I do love him and I want to please him but I’m feeling stifled. We’ve been together for five years now. Sometimes I think things might be better if we started a family. Then I think that might make it even worse. I just can’t think of a solution. Hope you can help.

— Babs (not my real name), Tuesday 16th February 2010

Hi Mel,

I was interested to see what you had posted earlier this month on your blog about formatting a manuscript; it was most helpful.

1. Could you tell me how you handle using a pen name when it comes to putting the name on each page? Do you put the pen name on each of them, or do you put your real name just on the title page and then the pen name on every subsequent page? Then explain in the covering letter?
2. Also once you have agreement to submit a manuscript, does one always send in the hard copy version or do any editors take in disc versions?
3. One more query, do individual publishing houses have slightly different guidelines on how they wish to have their submissions produced?

Thank you for your help.

Very best regards,

— Deborah, Friday 22nd January 2010

Hi Mel,

Can I ask for a little help?

I want to create a new tagline for my blog (see link at end of page) a humble tagline. I want to state that my blog is about my thoughts and opinion on blogging subject in a humble way.

My current tagline is "GoBlogger - Tips to Help Blogs Go Better".

I want to create a new tagline which is simple but unique and elegant (while still being humble). But I guess I'm not too good with stylish words.

Perhaps you can give me some suggestions Mel? I ask you because I know you are great with words.

— Isaac, Saturday 12th December 2009

Dear Mel,

My parents have always had a very explosive relationship. There were always shouting matches when I was a child, and I grew up fearful that they were going to get divorced. My dad had a very fiery temper, whereas my mum would be tearful. Inbetween the rows my dad was always very loving to mum.

MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOUR

Later, when I was a teenager, she changed. Instead of being tearful she had a different tactic. Whenever they had a row she’d go off for the day and then my dad would be beside himself worrying about her. When she got back, she’d behave as if nothing had happened. No mention of anything. And she’d be distant with my dad. Eventually, he’d make a joke about forgiving her. And before you knew it, they’d have made up and he’d be all over her again.

I think a lot of people thought that the rows were my dad’s fault and that he was ‘difficult’. Lots of people, including my younger sister, used to say to mum that they didn’t know how she put up with him and she’d just shrug it off. But I knew that he was very affectionate – always hugging her and buying her things and always, always telling me and my sister that we had to be good for her and look after her.

I loved them both, and though as an adult I could see that my dad was far more compassionate and loving than my mum, I couldn’t bear to criticise them at all, and I’d defend them both if anyone – including my sister – made any criticism.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

But now I’m beginning to wonder. My dad has had to go into a home because he’s got dementia, and mum has started being very manipulative with me. It’s a sort of emotional blackmail; to the point that I sometimes feel as if I don’t have a life of my own any more. I look after my grandchildren (because I enjoy it) while my daughters work part time but my mother seems to think I’m being difficult if I’m not always available for her. She’s always on about how good my brother and sister are, yet they rarely see her. I know I shouldn’t feel hurt, but it’s hard not to.

My daughters, who are lovely caring people, have both told me to be kind, but not to give up my life for her. They say she was always like this with my dad and now she’s transferring it to me. I’m not so sure. What do you think?

— Paula, Tuesday 17th November 2009

Dear Mel,

I don’t know where you live in the world so I don’t know whether you saw that drama programme on TV a little while ago but I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears when I saw it. I think it was called Criminal Justice or something like that – and it described exactly what I’ve been going through for years with the father of my children. Not the sex bit, when he said “roll over baby” but the relationships between the father the mother and the daughter. The whole manipulative thing convincing the mother she was unbalanced, and then telling the daughter that she and her dad were going to look after the mum – I can see now that that’s what’s been happening to me.

We’ve been married for seventeen years and have two teenagers, 15 and 13. To begin with my husband adored me – even though my mother had told him that wasn’t a good basis for a marriage and that if you put someone on a pedestal and they fall off you have to have something to sustain your love. Or something like that. When I got pregnant, even though we’d talked about having a family and planned to have one, he went right off me. Wouldn’t come near me. Nor when I was breastfeeding which I did for a good six months. Same again with the next one.

He never had any time for the kids when they were little, but then he lost his job and I had to go out to work. Turned out I earned more than he did and he didn’t like that. He never actually said so, but I noticed that the kids were beginning to make remarks. Things like, “you’re never there for us like Dad is” and “you’d rather be with your fancy office friends than home with us kids”. That’s not true at all. I was always there for them when they were little and even though my husband’s got a part-time job again now, I’ve had to keep mine on to make ends meet.

He stopped having sex with me soon after but when I question him he denies having anyone else. Just tells me it’s not worth all the bother if I ever try to start anything. It makes me feel worthless. And though he’s not a bit like the man in the TV programme – he doesn’t say I’m not well, or anything like that – he’s always putting me down in front of the kids and our friends. Little things like, “Well you know Cathy! She can’t help being a bit of a slob – but we still put up with her.” He says it with a smile and our friends think he’s wonderful. But what they don’t know is that he’s always telling me privately that he knows I can’t help it (not being stylish, not keeping the house properly clean or the washing and ironing up to date) because what can you expect with my background – divorced parents, father a tippler.

He says it in such a quiet way that you think – well I think – that he’s being caring and understanding. But it has a terrible effect on me. I could swear that I’ve done all the washing but then he or one of the kids goes and finds something they swear they’ve asked me to have clean for a certain date or event, and I begin to wonder if I’m losing my marbles. Same with the shopping – I always seem to have forgotten something they say they asked me to get.

The thing is my children – they’re both boys – have started putting me down as well. But not like he does. They’re full of contempt for me and their Dad does nothing to stop them. I’ve tried saying to him they’ll grow up despising women and never have good relationships themselves, but he just shrugs it off. I feel I must be a hopeless mother to let this go on. But I just don’t know what to do. The worst bit of all is that we go to church – my husband’s a church warden and everyone feels sorry for him having to put up with me. I know I should just love him through this but I don’t know if I can go on any longer.

PS. We have been to Relate a couple of times and to my doctor (my husband always comes with me to make sure I tell the doctor the right things) but they all think I have a problem and my doctor’s put me on anti-depressants.

— Cathy, Tuesday 20th October 2009