Abusive Relationships And Those Trapped In Them

Dear Cathy,

I did see the TV drama you mentioned, and I can only say that it was both shocking – and yet sadly accurate, depicting the plight of a number of women, and the occasional man. I only hope that it has highlighted this syndrome of manipulative and abusive relationships, where the perpetrator comes across as the innocent victim, and the real victim is seen by everyone outside the situation as flawed or unwell.

Written by Peter Moffatt, Criminal Justice highlighted the sort of scenario you, yourself, are suffering. We didn’t see enough of Joe, in the drama, to be aware of his background. But what we did see was a man who lapped up the adulation of his clerk, his daughter and her friend, and practised a cold, calculating tactic in diminishing his wife, whilst convincing everyone that he was her devoted carer.

Likewise, we know nothing of your husband’s upbringing, but it’s clear from what you write that you are suffering, and for that you have my utmost sympathy. You have said only that your husband adored you when you were first married, distanced himself from you with each pregnancy, and again when he lost his job. Reading between the lines this suggests to me several things:

• That in "adoring" you and putting you on a pedestal, he was as good as saying that he felt himself to be inferior to you.
• This, in turn, might mean that he felt "honoured" to have you notice him, let alone marry him.
• And that would have made him feel good about himself.

The pregnancies and breastfeeding would have had the opposite effect: first they would make him feel that he’d been “robbed” in that your body was now “owned” by someone else (your child); second he would feel diminished in that your attention would be diverted to the care of your unborn baby, and then in nurturing a suckling child.

The loss of his job would further diminish him, and your obtaining and holding down a better paid would not only add to his low self-esteem, but might make him to see you as the cause of it.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Looking at all these factors, I’d like to suggest that you first quiz your mother about her feelings at the time of your marriage. It seems to me that she had an inkling of some underlying insecurity or inferiority complex in your husband’s relationship with you and, perhaps, in his whole persona.

Then try to remember for yourself what it was that attracted you to your husband in the first place; what sort of person he was with his friends before you married (did he have any?); and whether he had any confidence, generally.

Thirdly, be honest with yourself: did you push your husband out of your life when your children came along? And finally, did you take on your job and earn more than your husband in order to demote him?

The answers to these questions may well be: No! You simply did what was necessary at the time. I’m sure you will have been taken through these issues when you went to Relate together, but I want you to be absolutely sure in your own mind that you did nothing to bring this on. Because I’m going to take you through what I believe has been going on in your husband’s mind.

INFERIORITY COMPLEX

Low self-esteem – what used to be called an inferiority complex – is not a nice feeling. For many of us it is like a pain; a dull ache inside. Some people deal with pain by closing in on themselves, literally, physically and metaphorically hugging it to themselves – much as you would hug a tummy ache. For others, pain makes them lash out. This is an instinctive, not a reasoned, reaction.

Lashing out may take any one of the following forms, or a combination of several:

• A physical form: kicking or hitting anyone who comes near, but most particularly the person who, rightly or wrongly, is deemed to be inflicting the pain.
• It may be confined to, or include, smashing inanimate objects: the door, a mirror, ornaments, pots and pans.
• Or it may be accomplished by verbal abuse: a raised voice, shouting and yelling.
• The abuser may blaspheme, be sexually foul-mouthed, or swear offensively.
• He or she may be accusatory, blaming the other for self-perceived failings, as in: “you make me so mad”; “it’s your fault I have to turn to drink/drugs/sex.”
• A jabbing, pointing finger may accompany this behaviour.
• More subtly, the person in pain may quietly and unobtrusively, seek to diminish the other. How do you make a five pound note worth more than a twenty? You rip up the five!
• The withholding of sexual intercourse, or insistence on sexual practices which are abhorrent to the other are further evidence of lashing out.

POWER STRATEGY

This instinctive behaviour is a means of taking back power. Remember I said that your husband probably felt that your pregnancies, nursing, and employment robbed him of his place in your life? Well, this is his way of restoring what he believes he has lost. By diminishing you, he makes himself feel better. Not simply better in terms of comfort. But “better” in respect of being more powerful than you.

From what you say, it’s clear that he has accomplished this to some extent. But nothing I can say to you in a letter to you is going to convince you that your husband falls into one of the above categories and that you are not at fault. So let me put your mind at rest by saying that your husband may not be a “bad” man. It’s quite possible that he may not even realise that what he’s doing is wrong. He may be utterly convinced that he’s looking out for you.

LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF

You say you are a church-goer and that you feel you should love your husband through this. But Scripture tells you to love others as yourself! That means that in order to love someone else properly, you must first learn to love yourself.

A wife is to be a “help-meet”. And a husband is called upon to be to his wife as Christ is to the church. That means he has to lay down his life for her. The loving thing for you to do here is to be a help-meet: to help him become the man that God intended him to be: someone who lays down his life for you.

Your husband needs help! And so do you. The fact that you’ve written to me shows that you are aware of this. And the fact that you’re concerned for your children’s welfare and their future relationships will give you the courage you need to seek help, whether that help is in staying with your husband, or in leaving him.

EMPOWERING SOLUTIONS

So what I’m going to do is to suggest that read this article, and then either make contact with the Crosswalk organisation on whose website it is, or take a look at the Care for the Family website and e-mail them at mail@cff.org.uk. Both are Christian organisations, and both recognise exactly the sort of manipulative abusive relationships we’ve been examining here. I can’t vouch for Crosswalk, but I do know that Care have projects set up in towns all across the UK, and they will almost certainly be able to help you to make contact with someone who can counsel you and your husband – either together, or separately.

And you must insist upon this, as an ongoing situation, not a flash in the pan. If necessary, and if things are bad enough, make it conditional upon your staying with him. Being firm at this stage is the loving thing to do. And if nothing but a separation will bring your husband to the point of realising that he needs help in the realms of personal growth, then so be it. The people at Care will help you through this and give you the support you will need.

Once you feel emotionally stronger, see your doctor about coming off the anti-depressants. Do not under any circumstances try this on your own. The instant withdrawal of chemicals in your body could have a disastrous effect. What you need is a sustained programme of withdrawal.

Thank you for highlighting this travesty, Cathy. I do hope that you, your husband and your children find the help you need to enable you to find freedom and wholeness. God bless.

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