Readers' Letters - 2009 archive

Hi Mel,

Can I ask for a little help?

I want to create a new tagline for my blog (see link at end of page) a humble tagline. I want to state that my blog is about my thoughts and opinion on blogging subject in a humble way.

My current tagline is "GoBlogger - Tips to Help Blogs Go Better".

I want to create a new tagline which is simple but unique and elegant (while still being humble). But I guess I'm not too good with stylish words.

Perhaps you can give me some suggestions Mel? I ask you because I know you are great with words.

— Isaac, Saturday 12th December 2009

Dear Mel,

My parents have always had a very explosive relationship. There were always shouting matches when I was a child, and I grew up fearful that they were going to get divorced. My dad had a very fiery temper, whereas my mum would be tearful. Inbetween the rows my dad was always very loving to mum.

MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOUR

Later, when I was a teenager, she changed. Instead of being tearful she had a different tactic. Whenever they had a row she’d go off for the day and then my dad would be beside himself worrying about her. When she got back, she’d behave as if nothing had happened. No mention of anything. And she’d be distant with my dad. Eventually, he’d make a joke about forgiving her. And before you knew it, they’d have made up and he’d be all over her again.

I think a lot of people thought that the rows were my dad’s fault and that he was ‘difficult’. Lots of people, including my younger sister, used to say to mum that they didn’t know how she put up with him and she’d just shrug it off. But I knew that he was very affectionate – always hugging her and buying her things and always, always telling me and my sister that we had to be good for her and look after her.

I loved them both, and though as an adult I could see that my dad was far more compassionate and loving than my mum, I couldn’t bear to criticise them at all, and I’d defend them both if anyone – including my sister – made any criticism.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

But now I’m beginning to wonder. My dad has had to go into a home because he’s got dementia, and mum has started being very manipulative with me. It’s a sort of emotional blackmail; to the point that I sometimes feel as if I don’t have a life of my own any more. I look after my grandchildren (because I enjoy it) while my daughters work part time but my mother seems to think I’m being difficult if I’m not always available for her. She’s always on about how good my brother and sister are, yet they rarely see her. I know I shouldn’t feel hurt, but it’s hard not to.

My daughters, who are lovely caring people, have both told me to be kind, but not to give up my life for her. They say she was always like this with my dad and now she’s transferring it to me. I’m not so sure. What do you think?

— Paula, Tuesday 17th November 2009

Dear Mel,

I don’t know where you live in the world so I don’t know whether you saw that drama programme on TV a little while ago but I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears when I saw it. I think it was called Criminal Justice or something like that – and it described exactly what I’ve been going through for years with the father of my children. Not the sex bit, when he said “roll over baby” but the relationships between the father the mother and the daughter. The whole manipulative thing convincing the mother she was unbalanced, and then telling the daughter that she and her dad were going to look after the mum – I can see now that that’s what’s been happening to me.

We’ve been married for seventeen years and have two teenagers, 15 and 13. To begin with my husband adored me – even though my mother had told him that wasn’t a good basis for a marriage and that if you put someone on a pedestal and they fall off you have to have something to sustain your love. Or something like that. When I got pregnant, even though we’d talked about having a family and planned to have one, he went right off me. Wouldn’t come near me. Nor when I was breastfeeding which I did for a good six months. Same again with the next one.

He never had any time for the kids when they were little, but then he lost his job and I had to go out to work. Turned out I earned more than he did and he didn’t like that. He never actually said so, but I noticed that the kids were beginning to make remarks. Things like, “you’re never there for us like Dad is” and “you’d rather be with your fancy office friends than home with us kids”. That’s not true at all. I was always there for them when they were little and even though my husband’s got a part-time job again now, I’ve had to keep mine on to make ends meet.

He stopped having sex with me soon after but when I question him he denies having anyone else. Just tells me it’s not worth all the bother if I ever try to start anything. It makes me feel worthless. And though he’s not a bit like the man in the TV programme – he doesn’t say I’m not well, or anything like that – he’s always putting me down in front of the kids and our friends. Little things like, “Well you know Cathy! She can’t help being a bit of a slob – but we still put up with her.” He says it with a smile and our friends think he’s wonderful. But what they don’t know is that he’s always telling me privately that he knows I can’t help it (not being stylish, not keeping the house properly clean or the washing and ironing up to date) because what can you expect with my background – divorced parents, father a tippler.

He says it in such a quiet way that you think – well I think – that he’s being caring and understanding. But it has a terrible effect on me. I could swear that I’ve done all the washing but then he or one of the kids goes and finds something they swear they’ve asked me to have clean for a certain date or event, and I begin to wonder if I’m losing my marbles. Same with the shopping – I always seem to have forgotten something they say they asked me to get.

The thing is my children – they’re both boys – have started putting me down as well. But not like he does. They’re full of contempt for me and their Dad does nothing to stop them. I’ve tried saying to him they’ll grow up despising women and never have good relationships themselves, but he just shrugs it off. I feel I must be a hopeless mother to let this go on. But I just don’t know what to do. The worst bit of all is that we go to church – my husband’s a church warden and everyone feels sorry for him having to put up with me. I know I should just love him through this but I don’t know if I can go on any longer.

PS. We have been to Relate a couple of times and to my doctor (my husband always comes with me to make sure I tell the doctor the right things) but they all think I have a problem and my doctor’s put me on anti-depressants.

— Cathy, Tuesday 20th October 2009

Dear Mel,

I have never done anything like this before, but I feel I am at the end of my tether. I am 32 and I was previously in a relationship for 8 years, with someone who I thought was the love of my life. We had been friends since we were 16 and started dating when I was 21. We were engaged at 24 and then 6 months later I found out he had slept with my best friends sister. We split up for a year, but were drawn back together. It wasn't easy, but we somehow worked through it and we were happy and looking to the future. We put a deposit on a house and then bang, I found out he was in debt and he couldn't get a mortgage!!! I was devastated. Family had warned me about him, my sister-in-law even threatened if I moved in with him I wouldn't see my nephews anymore.

We split up and it took me 2 years before I entered my next relationship. With a man who I had known for 3 years and was the complete opposite to my Ex. He was quiet, sensitive, had a good job and we shared so many interests and just clicked together. We finally got together a year ago.

My new man turned out to be a bit of a loner and therefore relied on me quite a lot to be around and became No keywords added yet

friends with my "girlfriends". This started to grate on me a bit, not because I was jealous of his friendships with my girlfriends, but because I felt I couldn't chat to my friends about anything good/bad with my new man, for fear that I looked back talking about him. Anyway, I came to realize that this was just part of our relationship.

Next came a shock....he was in a well paid job, earning 40k, when he was suddenly sacked!! I was in shock. Although we don't live together and both have our own rented accommodation, I still found it difficult with this issue. When I asked him why, he said it wasn't his fault. He checked a piece of work for someone else (he works for an IT/Software company) and he had to sign to say it had been checked. However a customer had complained and he was told by his managers that he was a financial risk and was sacked!!

Nothing made sense to me. I asked questions, he said he didn't have the answers for me, or he didn't know. I asked why he was a financial risk, what did they mean? No answer. i felt sick and confused. I am at the stage now in my life where i want to get a mortgage, setle down and have a family. I work hard and have a good job, it's a natural progression.

Anyway, after much talking and still no answers, another bombshell he told me he was in 40K worth of debt. What? How? He comes from a very wealthy family, he has always rented. When he lived in the south he shared a rented house, until he moved up North 5 years ago. He then house shared for a year before moving into his own rented flat. Nothing unusual with that. It was a luxury flat, he didn't have designer furniture, just supermarket ranges....

I asked him how he has got into 40k of debt and he said he was frivolous when he was younger. He bought what he wanted. Gadgets, computer consoles, dvds-nothing of real relevance, but this didn't add up....you don't get into that amount of debt by just buying gadgets. He doesn't dress in the latest fashion, he doesn't have a brand new car. That amount of debt is surely when you have an addiction to drugs, gambling etc, isn't it? He assures me he doesn't have any addiction, but his money used to go on nightout, drinking and smoking.

He took out loans to pay for credit cards and consolidated loans. This I have only found out after 6 weeks of him avoiding me! I don't know what to do. I have tried suggesting things to help. Get a smaller flat, sell your car, sell your computer and consoles etc. Debt management, but everything I suggest, he ignores and comes back with an excuse like it will effect his benefits etc. I have told him to tell his family-you need support emotionally if nothing else, but he won't for fear of them being disappointed.

He has told me he can't get a mortgage for at least 8 years till his debt has been cleared. He thinks you should just rent and doesn't listen to my point of view. As well as all of the above he says he is depressed, because of no job/debt. Which I understand, but he is lying in bed all day till 4 in the afternoon. He isn't looking for a job (I know how difficult it is with the recession) but anything would be good for him at the moment. I just don't know where this leaves us? How I can be with someone in a large amount of debt or where we go next. He said he finds it hard to talk and he is embarrassed. Please help! I need advice from someone who isn't involved in all of this!

— Helen, Friday 25th September 2009

Dear Mel,

I love my stepdaughter and most of the time we have an ok relationship. But there are things about her that I just don’t seem to be able to cope with. To be honest, she drives me mad. I was going to say she drives me scatty – but that’s what she is – scatty! I’ve tried and I’ve tried but it’s beginning to affect my relationship between my hubby and me because he doesn’t know which of us to side with.

What happens is this – stepdaughter says she wants a stone polisher for her 15^th birthday present because she’s going to start making and selling jewellery – though she’s made no hard and fast plans as to how she’ll go about it. (I can see it could work online and in the local shop - we live in a tourist area, so ok there). So for a month or so we live with the endless noise of this piece of machinery grinding away day and night until you could scream. Stepdaughter, of course, is off out with her friends most of the time, but I like a quiet life so it doesn’t bother her like it does me.

Then, for the next month, we have little gem stones, pieces of silver wire and wire cutters scattered far and wide. My once tidy house looks like it’s been hit by a tornado. Give her her due, though, she’s completely absorbed in what she’s doing, and you think she just might make a go of this and earn herself some pocket money. Except that we’ve been here before. And sure enough she hasn’t read the instructions properly, so the earrings she’s made fall to pieces, and next thing you know, the stone polisher’s gathering dust, and she’s off on the next thing. The next thing being whatever scheme she has in her mind, and I’m left with the mess to clear up.

I try not to show it, but I can see a mile off what the problem is and I’m desperate to help her succeed. She just needs to be more methodical, less airy-fairy, and to stick at one thing till she’s seen it through. But if I dare to criticise, or show her what to do she goes off in the most terrible huff – even if she’s asked me in the first place what I think. I’m at my wits end. What shall I do?

— Mary, Wednesday 12th August 2009

Dear Mel,

I got married again, about six months ago, to a lovely man who’s very good to me, and is keen to know everything about becoming a stepfather. The trouble is, he has no children and he doesn’t seem to know how to cope with my teenage daughter, who lives with us. He complains that she doesn’t say “good morning” to him at breakfast (actually she doesn’t say much at all) and she feels got at by her stepfather because he seems to expect her to do her homework the minute she gets in.

Her dad and I were divorced five or six years ago because of his continuing adultery and drinking, and he now lives in a stepfamily though that marriage now looks dodgy. It all had a terrible effect on my two girls – one went completely off the rails – and they don’t get on with their new step-mum, so don’t see much of their dad.

Which is why I’m so desperate to make a good home for them here. But as I say, my husband and daughter seem to rub each other up the wrong way. Which is surprising considering he’s a teacher and she’s only thirteen, nearly fourteen and she’s quite young for her age.

I can’t bear it if this marriage goes wrong. I’m hoping my other daughter, who ran away then went to live with her dad but hates it there, will want to come and live with me again. Anything you suggest will be gratefully received.

— Tania, Saturday 25th July 2009

Dear Mel,

You read all the time about different forms of domestic violence. Well my best friend’s daughter, who’s never been married before, is about to get married to a man who’s quite a bit older than her and who, I’ve just heard, was divorced for beating his wife up. I know you’re going to tell me it’s none of my business. But I know I shan’t be able to live with myself if this young woman gets the same treatment. Help! What do I do?

— Marion, Sunday 31st May 2009

Yesterday, I began a response to a letter from Sonia, requesting information about setting up a Book Group. As my reply turned out to be rather lengthy, I have split it into two parts. If you wish to read from the beginning, use this link.

— Sonia, Sunday 10th May 2009

Dear Mel,

Somewhere I’ve seen that you wrote about starting a book group and I wondered if you could tell me what qualifications you think are needed. I’ve always loved reading and I did join a group once but there were so many people and they all had such a lot to say I didn’t really feel I fitted in.

There's a lot of people at our church who would like to meet to talk about books but no one who wants to be a leader. I wouldn’t mind starting something with people I know and feel comfortable with but I don’t know how. I’d be ever so grateful for any tips you can give me.

— Sonia, Saturday 9th May 2009

Dear Mel,

Last week it was exactly a year since my Penny passed away. We’d only been married ten years – no children – and she meant the world to me. I never thought I’d get through this last twelve months but I have and I wanted to mark the occasion, but at the same time I was dreading it. I talked to my Minister, and he did a thanksgiving service for her. It was mainly family and close friends, but I was very touched that some people from church came, even though it was mid-week.

I nearly lost it when we went to the cemetery afterwards to lay flowers. I didn’t want to go, but Penny’s family wanted to so I felt I had to. I hadn’t been back there since she went and seeing the grave and the headstone – well, it was all I could do not to break down.

I know everyone wants to express sympathy in their way. But when they tell you that your loved one has gone to a better place – and I do believe that – but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. I know that sounds selfish. I know Penny is at peace now and out of pain (she had cancer). But there’s a great gaping hole in my life. And I feel angry when people try to tell you to move on. I know they mean it kindly. But they just don’t understand. Am I being paranoid?

Yours truly,

— Peter S, Wednesday 29th April 2009

Dear Mel,

My husband and I are getting divorced. There’s no one else on either side. We just shouldn’t ever have got married in the first place. And I don’t think we would have been married as long as we have except that I’ve put up with everything that wrong without saying anything about it.

The thing is, our teenage children are beginning to blame me – even though they’ve seen some of the things that have gone wrong in the past and seen how their dad was at fault. One of my daughter’s says her dad is finding it very painful and that I’m being cruel – even though he was the one who moved out. Frankly, I’m finding this more upsetting than separating from my husband.

I don’t want to say anything against their dad, but I’m wondering now if he’s saying things against me and turning them against me. I’m not sure what I should do. If anything?

— Lorraine, Sunday 19th April 2009

Dear Mel,

You once wrote something about trying to please everyone – I forget what – but you know what I mean – people like me who still have kids at home who don’t seem to want to leave, and who have to hold down a job, ok its only part time - and now this. My mother in law’s been widowed and says she can’t cope and there’s only me to help – my brother in law’s no good. He never comes near her, though he only lives about thirty miles away. And when he does come to see her, he’s the best thing since sliced bread and all I get from his mother is complaint.

I used to think I had something to offer. I help out with a local charity. It may not be much, but I always thought in God's hands it was something good. But I'm very fragile emotionally because I'm exhausted with all that's going on in my family. My husband’s not a Christian and he keeps telling me charity begins at home and that I should put his mother before my voluntary work. I feel so guilty. I enjoy what I’m doing but I’m beginning to feel very resentful.

Sorry I'm a bit of a weeping disaster area at present. At least no one can do me the indignity of putting it all down to hormones! I’m past all that. . .
Sarah

— Sarah B, Friday 3rd April 2009

I returned from over 2 weeks away this afternoon, having flown long haul. I read your book 'Post Mortem' on holiday, amongst 6 others, and I think it was the one that touched me and certainly meant the most! So, thanks.

— Alwyne, Friday 23rd January 2009